May 2009

Downrange: 05/09


Sometimes, you just gotta laugh:

President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs,

Todd Woodard

Todd Woodard


The president replies, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams, and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them he’d grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, "Appearances are important to me, so I’d like to make sure I look presentable." The leader nodded, handed Couric her captured cosmetics, and watched Couric fix herself up. Couric checked herself in the mirror and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I live in New York, so I’d like to hear the song, ‘The Moon and Me’ one last time." The terrorist leader pulled out his satphone and arranged for some rag-tag musicians to play the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Williams dictated his comments.

The leader turned and said, "And now, Infidel, what is your wish?"

"Kick me in the ass!" said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader.

"I’m not kidding. Kick me in the ass!" insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol hidden inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, used his knife to slash the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took and sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.

As the Marine was untying the three amazed news-readers, Williams asked the Marine, "Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place?"

Replied the Marine, "And have you three jerks report I was the aggressor?"


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