September 2013

Down Range: September 2013

It is said that in Hollywood, an initial movie pitch has to be made in 25 words or fewer. When I enjoy a movie as a guilty pleasure, I try to imagine what the original pitch sounded like — such as these action movies in which guns play a big role, either as tools or metaphors:

Cowboys & Aliens (2011): A spaceship arrives in Arizona, 1873, to steal all the Earth’s gold. A posse of cowboys, natives, and a sexy ET fight back with single actions, lever actions, and an open-carry giga-bracelet.

Looper (2012): In 2074, the mob still appreciates blunderbuss-style shotguns and single-action pistols to carry out time-travel assassinations. Sexy mom defends son with an 870.

Todd Woodard

Battleship (2012): When aliens invade Earth, it may require bigger guns than usual to defeat body armor. Sexy girlfriend helps call in naval artillery strike. Japanese and American sailors agree: The 50 BMG is always a good choice.

Red 2 (2013): Former C.I.A. agent Frank Moses fights off permanent “retirement” by the agency with a Para-Ord Black Ops and his team of aging elite operatives. Sexy AARP sniper rocks an Accuracy International AX338 rifle.

Django Unchained (2012): Black man uses Cobra Big Bore Derringer, Remington 1858 New Army revolver, Colt 1851 Navy, Sharps 1874 Buffalo, and other cowboy guns to rescue sexy girlfriend from slavery.

Colombiana (2011): Young female assassin uses a variety of guns to kill mobsters and exact revenge for the murder of her family. Loves her Blaser R93 Sniper Rifle.

Inglourious Basterds (2009): WWII Special Ops “Raine” down hell on various Nazis. Sexy German actress helps out. Luger P08s, MP40s, and M1928/M1928A1 Thompsons play beautiful music at a movie premiere.

The Bourne Legacy (2012): Super guy who isn’t Bourne thinks he needs his meds to stay super, but sexy doc gives him the flu instead. A Nemesis Arms rifle Vanquish-es a drone.

No Country for Old Men (2007): A hunter shoots a pronghorn and doesn’t collect it. Chooses to pick up $2 million in cash instead. Dude with funny haircut open-carries an air-tank “gun.” Sexy wife doesn’t get the money this time.GT